people talk about how liberating and empowering your 30s are, but if i’m being honest, when i look in the mirror, i often see a mausoleum of former possibilities staring back at me—unlived lives hanging in a closet like clothes that no longer fit, but i can’t bring myself to give away.
The Midnight Library by Matt Haig has a similar sentiment. We imagine the different paths we could have taken and wonder if we would have been happier living a different version of ourself where we went to different places and met different people. But that doesn't mean that the life we chose now is a waste. Our choices make us who we are, and it's not too late to make new choices.
There’s a sense in which the lives I feel that could have been lived are like ghosts I can touch but can’t tangibly hold. And it’s pleasant to pass my hand through… but it’s cold.
Thanks for sharing this post. I’m at the starting line of my 40’s and still wondering if the gun went off, because I still think I’m 23.
I don’t love or hate the life I live. I wish it was black and white, its flashes and flushes of colours that are dark and light depending on the light shining through the window of my heart.
Thanks for sharing this post, it’s been years since I wrote anything online, even a thought out comment.
My aunt went to med school in her 40s and completely changed her career because she decided she wanted to! We can't turn back the clock, but we do have control over our futures
I relate to this on a spiritual level. I, too, believe in the existence of parallel universes. It’s comforting to think that perhaps in one of those alternate realities I could be living dreams I have given up— or even end up with the person I love—person I can’t have in this reality. Being able to imagine such possibilities also allows me to appreciate what I have in this plane of existence.
Whenever I’m on the brink of tears and giving up, I think of the 5th dimension in the movie Interstellar—that the past, present, and future are all happening at once—and my other version from different universes is the one giving me strength to keep moving forward.
Beautifully said, and something I feel more often as I continue to age. So easy to get stuck thinking of the ‘what if’s’ but we also have to celebrate who we have now and acknowledge that change comes from us. Even if we will never be that alternative self, we have the power to make changes in our life ❤️
I really relate to your thoughts, especially during a time when I often feel like turning around and looking back, wondering what could’ve happened if I’d made some different choices. But then I remind myself that regrets can be toxic, and I start looking around me instead. As I write this, part of me wants to erase it and hide these thoughts—but what you wrote gives me strength. So, thank you J.
I need you to mirror my inner thoughts a little less, thanks :p
Jokes aside, I really do feel this, and you articulated it so poignantly.
If you ever get the chance to see it, I'd recommend the musical If/Then. It explores this idea really well, in my opinion.
Edit to add: I also find, upon reflecting roads not taken, it's helpful to also remember the worse paths you didn't take. (I feel so certain there's an iteration of me that would have been an addict, making the poor choices that often come with that lifestyle; another me stayed in a bad relationship, causing further damage to herself. I'm grateful for the roads not taken, reminding me that my road is okay.)
i thought about everything everywhere all at once right before you mentioned it. perhaps we mourn the past and will never know what the future might look. but one thing i try to remember is the present is a gift. and how we choose to open it each day can determine how we might live the next.
i used to follow your tumblr and was so sad when you took it down! glad to see that you’re back and blessing us with the most heartbreakingly beautiful prose again!!!
완전 그거다 ... 에에올(Everything everyone all at once) 그쵸 !! 한국 케이팝 남자 아이돌 그룹 세븐틴의 멤버 버논 군이 에에올 보고 명언처럼 남긴 평이 있어요 ㅋㅋ “보면서 정신이 색종이 조각처럼 터져버린다. 증식하는 조각 하나하나는 나의 부족함 속 가능성의 우주를 비춘다. 친절하자. 사랑하자. 지금 여기서.“
개인적으로 이 문장을 보고 영화가 말하고자 하는 바에 딱 맞는 요약이자 교훈이라고 생각했는데 오늘 이 글을 보고 나니까 또 에에올이 보고 싶어져서 ... 한국은 비도 오니 집에서 영화나 봐야겠어요 ㅋㅋ 잘 자요 ~~ ♡
The Midnight Library by Matt Haig has a similar sentiment. We imagine the different paths we could have taken and wonder if we would have been happier living a different version of ourself where we went to different places and met different people. But that doesn't mean that the life we chose now is a waste. Our choices make us who we are, and it's not too late to make new choices.
This one tickled my brain the same way ASMR does.
There’s a sense in which the lives I feel that could have been lived are like ghosts I can touch but can’t tangibly hold. And it’s pleasant to pass my hand through… but it’s cold.
Thanks for sharing this post. I’m at the starting line of my 40’s and still wondering if the gun went off, because I still think I’m 23.
I don’t love or hate the life I live. I wish it was black and white, its flashes and flushes of colours that are dark and light depending on the light shining through the window of my heart.
Thanks for sharing this post, it’s been years since I wrote anything online, even a thought out comment.
Really appreciate it.
Dan
write more, dan.
Sounds like a plan. 감사 베리머치 🙏
My aunt went to med school in her 40s and completely changed her career because she decided she wanted to! We can't turn back the clock, but we do have control over our futures
this hit me in a way i didn't expect.... ready to cry in the corner of my bedroom and play comfortably numb by pink floyd.
I relate to this on a spiritual level. I, too, believe in the existence of parallel universes. It’s comforting to think that perhaps in one of those alternate realities I could be living dreams I have given up— or even end up with the person I love—person I can’t have in this reality. Being able to imagine such possibilities also allows me to appreciate what I have in this plane of existence.
Whenever I’m on the brink of tears and giving up, I think of the 5th dimension in the movie Interstellar—that the past, present, and future are all happening at once—and my other version from different universes is the one giving me strength to keep moving forward.
Beautifully said, and something I feel more often as I continue to age. So easy to get stuck thinking of the ‘what if’s’ but we also have to celebrate who we have now and acknowledge that change comes from us. Even if we will never be that alternative self, we have the power to make changes in our life ❤️
“How to mourn the lives I’ve never lived without resenting the one I currently inhabit” wow
I always get the "two roads diverged" poem confused with the "whose woods these are I think I know" one.
A very wise person once told me, "don't focus on making the right decision, focus on making your decision right." That applies, here.
You'll never know what that parallel life would be like, but what if the parallel universe was the wrong decision, and this one is the right one?
All you can do as a human with one life is pick a direction, then work to make it right.
Regarding the thoughts of doors closing as you age... I'm afraid that doesn't get easier or better.
I really relate to your thoughts, especially during a time when I often feel like turning around and looking back, wondering what could’ve happened if I’d made some different choices. But then I remind myself that regrets can be toxic, and I start looking around me instead. As I write this, part of me wants to erase it and hide these thoughts—but what you wrote gives me strength. So, thank you J.
I need you to mirror my inner thoughts a little less, thanks :p
Jokes aside, I really do feel this, and you articulated it so poignantly.
If you ever get the chance to see it, I'd recommend the musical If/Then. It explores this idea really well, in my opinion.
Edit to add: I also find, upon reflecting roads not taken, it's helpful to also remember the worse paths you didn't take. (I feel so certain there's an iteration of me that would have been an addict, making the poor choices that often come with that lifestyle; another me stayed in a bad relationship, causing further damage to herself. I'm grateful for the roads not taken, reminding me that my road is okay.)
i thought about everything everywhere all at once right before you mentioned it. perhaps we mourn the past and will never know what the future might look. but one thing i try to remember is the present is a gift. and how we choose to open it each day can determine how we might live the next.
excellent read!
i used to follow your tumblr and was so sad when you took it down! glad to see that you’re back and blessing us with the most heartbreakingly beautiful prose again!!!
thanks for being here. grateful to be of service. ♥️
💜
완전 그거다 ... 에에올(Everything everyone all at once) 그쵸 !! 한국 케이팝 남자 아이돌 그룹 세븐틴의 멤버 버논 군이 에에올 보고 명언처럼 남긴 평이 있어요 ㅋㅋ “보면서 정신이 색종이 조각처럼 터져버린다. 증식하는 조각 하나하나는 나의 부족함 속 가능성의 우주를 비춘다. 친절하자. 사랑하자. 지금 여기서.“
개인적으로 이 문장을 보고 영화가 말하고자 하는 바에 딱 맞는 요약이자 교훈이라고 생각했는데 오늘 이 글을 보고 나니까 또 에에올이 보고 싶어져서 ... 한국은 비도 오니 집에서 영화나 봐야겠어요 ㅋㅋ 잘 자요 ~~ ♡